Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Say Hello To My Little Friend

That’s my new muse. I’ve had him for about a month now. He hangs out in the office and gives me the stink eye and wiggle every time I come anywhere near him.

For some reason I thought it would be wicked to put Mr. Fishy in Mr. Aykroyd’s vodka bottle. Sans vodka of course - I mean, how cool would that be, a Siamese Fighting Fish swimming around inside a crystal skull? But I’m getting ahead of myself… I’ve already said how I’m a bit of a sucker for cool bottles. Containers of any sort, really, but liquor bottles stoke the rationalizing consumer in me all the more so. I've also said how cool I think crystal skulls are… So enter “Crystal Head Vodka”.

Far be it from me to judge the judges that awarded this a “2011 Double Gold” award, but about my own appraisal, I can only say that either I somehow got a bad batch of the stuff, or those judges are complete suckup toadies, or… well, that’s it actually. Because even the kid who sold me the stuff at the liquor store said it was no good (I didn’t care too much since I mostly just wanted the bottle). Oh yeah, that’s another thing, maybe they just put utter shite in there because they know freaks like me are going to buy the closest thing to a crystal skull that they can. I mean, you can pick one up without an internet connection - right down the street! I beg you though, please don’t buy this with booze inside.

I did. I tried it neat, and I tried to mask the vodka with some tonic. No good. Then I dumped the whole bottle into my water purifier. I’ve got one of those Burkey stainless steel water filter buckets. I emptied the water out and ran the vodka through twice before it got a little better - and then could stomach drinking the stuff with tonic water or juice. It was really that bad. Afterwards I had to run three whole buckets of water through the ceramic filters to get the taste of vodka out of my water.

It wasn’t cheap either; I got the bigger life-sized bottle. The thing is, I can’t bring myself to put the little blue devil into the thing. I’m pretty sure I could funnel him in somehow, but it seems like cleaning it would be a bitch and I’d have to continually siphon/vacuum his pissy poop water out so I wouldn’t have to keep re-funneling him in again.
Watching watcher watches.

So he’s been alternating between a glass stein a buddy of mine ripped off from a local dive, and a glass kim-chee container. I still haven’t given the little guy a name. “Frank” is tempting for obvious reasons, but suggestions are welcome.

7 comments:

Trey said...

I'd thought about buying that brand for the container myself. Now that I hear how bad it is, I'll probably pass.

ze bulette said...

There's always eBay...

christian said...

There was an article in the LA Times a few weeks ago. A bunch of that vodka was stolen from a warehouse. I guess the joke is on them.

Elbuagnin said...

The more water the better. He'll thank you for it.

K-man said...

A month late, but also, for God's sake, put that poor fish in a container with flat planes and straight edges. You know how lines and perspective are all distorted when you look through curved glass? Imagine being forced to see the world through lenses like that 24/7. That's what you're inflicting on your fish.

Also, it needs app. 12 square inches of water surface (exposed to air) for each inch of body length, or else it will suffer constant oxygen deprivation. Imagine choking in unbreathable gas without relief.

Early RPG editions are great, fun and commendable. Abusing animals is neither.

ze bulette said...

@K-man: Relax. It took me a while to get a tank together but he's only in the stein now when it's getting cleaned.

Katherine Inman said...

Your attempt to mask that vodka with some tonic resulted in an epic fail! heheh! Good thing you managed to remove the nasty taste with your water filter. Don't mind that bad-tasting vodka. At least you've got the crystal skull container. Cool!

Katherine Inman

Post a Comment